okay first, i just got a bad news. my bestfriends grandma has just passed away. wish hers soul is beside Him and heaven is the final place for her. Amen. My thoughts are with Amal's family. Be strong, Mal! :)

we are who we are

ha. am i tired? yes, i am. will i give up? maybe. how about my dream with him? still in the process. so, will i try my best? i think. he will be okay if he reads this? no. then why do i write this? because i want to. don't be selfish, girl. can't, i am myself selfish. i am mean. i am. he loves me. i do love him too. but i'm sounded not so in love. because i am not that in love right now. why? because i am tired. what? yes, i'm tired. no way. so what? is it okay if he finds out? he knows it already, i've told him a thousand times. i know, but to write it down here is not appropriate. so, what i must do? get myself together and hold everything together. how about my tiredness? i will be get over it. fine. so? what? how am i now? miserable. okay, but i will keep on trying, right? okay, if that's what i want. no, can't be that way. so? do i still want to be with him? fine, yes. why? because he is him. not explaining much. grr. i am you, explain it to yourself, myself. because only when i am with him, i feel useful. why? because when i was thinking to leave him, he told me everything. about what? who am i for him. his girlfriend, right? well, the reason why he wants me, he needs me. and that is? i am his strength. wow. yes. he told me that? yes. wow. i am the person who fills his days, who makes him wants to spend the day. are you sure? quite enough, well, yes. well then, it is a good reason to stick with him. yes, i know. i'll stick with him right? yes. just because of that reasons? maybe. then what happen if the used of i change, will i still stay? err, i will. i seem not so sure, why? nothing, i will stay. why? because however, i need him. for what? to be someone that will hold myself together when my vulnerablelity and my insecurity strike. do i trust him that much? yes. am i sure? not that much actually, but i must trust him. for what reason? still, he is my boyfriend. so status is everything? no. so? as long status can be the base, the reason why i must stay him, i think 'he is my boyfriend' can be the reason. why? he chose me, and still chooses me, and it means that he loves me, it is not a sin to "love the person who loves you". do i really think he loves me? no. so why? i feel it. aww. i win :)